Halt the Hate....

Hater:

(n) hay-ter: An individual that does not have anything good or positive to say about another‘s accomplishments; one who is envious and can/will find something negative to say with or without reasonable cause or explanation. (Lyf Experience Definition)


I think I should start documenting where my inspiration comes from because it can be found in the strangest of places… Even if I don’t make it a point to do it every time I did want to state that the inspiration for this blurb came from twitter, with a twist.

It’s one thing for damn near everyone in the world to claim that they have haters (which I absolutely refuse to believe because let’s be honest, now a days it’s usually the people not doing anything who give themselves way more credit than they are due)((more often than not people give themselves more credit than they deserve)) but for so many people to actually BE haters is astounding to me. Ok putting on my “empathy cap”, I kinda understand that it has a lot to do with bitterness and these people being unhappy with themselves; but at the same time, don’t be mad because someone else has accomplishments, just find a way to get your own.

I recently went on a following spree of people in my city. It was sparked by randomly stumbling upon a collective of retweeted messages from the followers of someone I knew. Needless to say I didn’t know these people but I was absolutely astounded at the way they chose to utilize twitter. Instead of competing for the attention of people outside their scope of business they decided to basically link up and support one another. I loved seeing this kind of positivity, especially locally, but most importantly amongst young African-American business minded individuals. Now I should explain that I have always kept a close knit circle because the times that I have tried to introduce new people into the mix, more often than not it resulted in this newfound “hate” that I didn’t get down with, so for me to see that people outside of my crew supported their own and uplifted each other like we do was comforting and very appealing to say the least. It made me actually want to get out and network again, rather than isolate myself.

I wish I had a way to make these people realize that hating gets you nowhere. Because of the fact that I can’t comprehend their mindset it makes it difficult for me to find the words to say to make them understand that to make it out here you have to help one another, support one another, don’t be so caught up in self-absorbed that you don’t want anyone else prosper. Contrary to popular belief, there is a lot of room at the top. From my experience, the best way to get to where you want to be is to support those who are doing what you want to do. Instead of speaking spitefully, try congratulating them; it’ll get you much further. Find the right people by networking with positivity. Think about it, would you be willing to work with or help someone who wants you to fail?? Yeah, me too…..

Untitled Until The End...

I feel like I’m losing him..but no one is to blame but myself. Childish actions mix with foolish choices like the hen I sip to attempt to erase the memories of the pain I’ve caused…
I am nothing…
While nothing more than less than perfect, a mangled mess of unwarranted bull shit and confusion and indecisiveness wrapped in a cute casing and somehow presented to u, with love.
My intentions were good…but the results were not.
I desired nothing more than to give u reciprocity.
To present u the perfect gift, the same one you’ve given me…the gift of friendship and comfort..a feeling like you’re never alone, that no matter what the circumstance, or how much you’ve changed or how far you strayed from the place you once stood fixed, I would always be there. That nothing could come between the bond we’ve formed like we shook hands holding the liquid that sustains life. Blood brothers.
But later down the line, the future confided in me, and fear blind sighted me and I was in no way able to foresee that the love I had for the man who held my heart in his hand was changing without explanation
It was like he went from being more than just another lover to a friend irreplaceable by any other. Although permanently placed in a safe inside my heart, I kno the unannounced alteration of his placement hurt him, and I hate me for it.
For not being able to define my emotions clearly, and for allowing myself to end up being a part of his life, painfully
And even now my selfish ways are doing more than putting me on childish displays, they’re re-confusing me.
Day to day my emotions are abusing me by bashing my brain with thoughts of what if…what if I’m lying to myself thinking we can just be friends.
But then, what if that’s all we were ever supposed to be..
I’ve never denied the fact that he touches my heart but maybe the reason he’s always had a stare so cold is so that it froze my soul to preserve the peace he’s given me when the stress of the world had me feeling feverishly.
That maybe his purpose was to protect everything in me so that I could always find my way back to who I am sposed to be….
Because he’s always loved me for me.
So if by chance I see him next lifetime, upon our introductions, I’ll present this piece to him entitled, My Apology.

My First Love: Before I knew how….

Looking back, the years start to run together, not because I have a “bad memory” but, because the pain that tormented me caused lapses in my recollection. It melted the definitive memories until they were molded into one giant blob of blah. No single occurrence could be distinguished, except for the event that depicted my demise; and his likewise.

I knew immediately when my mistake was made that I had hurt him, and I would never again be able to say that I live a life of no regrets…cuz the heart never forgets. And true to my word here I am 6 years later, heart still ain’t fully healed yet….

We spent over twenty one thousand hours together, faired stormy weather but the sun shining always outlasted the rain, at least in my eyes. It wasn’t until I grew to realize that I was the problem that I began to act in desperation. But by then it was too late. He had already proclaimed to the world via facebook and myspace that he was no longer in a relationship with me. And even thru our repeated break up to make ups he never felt the need for a status update, so I knew this time was different…

In the instant he clicked the box marked single I died a little. Felt like I was just a head and legs with no middle. I just knew my heart had been torn from my body because breathing was shallow, difficult, minimal, damn near impossible. The only thing I could be certain was workin were my tear ducts. I cried and cried thru blood shot eyes non stop for 6 days straight. 144 hours of sleepless non-comfortable agony and misery. 8,640 minutes of unbearable pain. 518,400 seconds of wishing I had never been born. I was a zombie but bawling my eyes out. Wouldn’t sleep cuz I’d dream of him holding me. Couldn’t eat cuz my stomach was a giant knot incapable of digestion. My whole entity was so consumed with pain that I believed the only way I would receive relief was to leave. So I began to devise the blueprints to steal my own life...but my God wouldn’t let me. He immediately destroyed any traces of a trail the prints may have left behind in my mind….

Then my perspective shifted and I began to think that if I just wait. That maybe he’ll realize that the love we have is unparalleled to any other. And I was right. Not because I had given him the greatest love of all, but because I was loving him all wrong. I, myself was at a point in my life when I didn’t even love myself so how could I be capable of loving anyone other than myself?

I gave him a superficial love. On the outside it was beautiful. We were good together. Public loved us. But behind closed doors my insecurities caused chaos, my self hatred was projected toward him. If I was angry with the world I took it out solely on him and he didn’t deserve it. I eventually prayed that he never would find a love like mine cuz I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t nurture what we had so I didn’t deserve it. And even though now that I’ve grown up and I know I’m worth it, I’ve moved on...

I’m looking for love beyond the telescopic view I have of the past with security of it being a love that’s more than sure to last. And since I began loving myself like I’m supposed to I know I’m ready. Now, I am the epitome of a good woman. Head on straight, feet steady. Between us, a friendship eventually formed for the betterment of my being. He helped me to become a better person and even though I long to feel the love we once had, I don’t hurt anymore. I find joy in knowing he’s happy with her. He even praised my progress; proclaimed to me that I’ve changed. Switched lanes from living the life of a bitter bitch to a better person. And it was at that moment my heart broke…because I knew that the love I wanted back wasn’t the one I was meant to have. It wasn’t for me. But if I hadn’t gone thru the necessary pain I never would have changed. I never would have blossomed as an individual. And I never would have grown to know and love the me I have come to be.

Everyone’s journey is different but we all bare burdens the same. The result: I’m a true believer of: everything that u go thru u have to, to become you…..