Stuck in the moment

Stuck in the moment...the minute that shit got too tough, I froze up
I was on a path whose destination was greatness until I fell off. My train was derailed and I immediately declared myself a failure. I assumed I couldn't overcome the obstacles my course had thrown at me because I was unknowingly fighting an eternal battle internally.
My unseen opponent was constantly badgering me. And harassing me. And trying to convince me that I'll only amount to nothing.
And that there was No thing that I could do to stop what she claimed was the inevitable deterioration of my soul. And that stopped me mid step, had me stuck in the moment- sinking into the pit of sand that was my own depression, but I was determined to intercept.
I had to save my soul, so I plotted partial suicide. I had to kill off the negativity so some thing inside of me had to die so that I could live. So that I could grow. So that I could go and follow the path that fate had initially set out for me.
And I could only do hat if i stopped standing in my own way, learned to seize the day so that at night my heart wouldn't be weighed down by the burdens of my yesterdays and regrets of my tomorrows.
So I stand here with my admission of guilt as the deed has been done. No regrets as the old me is dead and gone and I'm no longer stuck in the moment, I own it....

im in love with a man who would rather be without me.....it could all be so simple...but he'd rather make it hard, loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars tell me who i have to be, to get some reciprocity..see NO ONE LOVES U MORE THAN ME, AND NO ONE EVER WILL....he doesn't think we should be together but wont say it..just says i'd be better without him. but i, i can't see me without him. he brings out the best in me..but he doesn't think we should be together...u said u'd care for me....be there for me, u cry for me...said u'd die for me, give to me.....why won't u live for me??

emotional shift

I feel like I’m losing him..but no one is to blame but myself. Childish actions mix with foolish choices like the hen n ginger I sip to attempt to erase the memories of the pain I’ve caused…

I am nothing…

While nothing more than less than perfect, a mangled mess of unwarranted bull shit and confusion and indecisiveness wrapped in a cute casing and somehow I claim to present to u, with love.

My intentions were good…but the results were not.

I desired nothing more than to give u reciprocity. To present u the perfect gift, the same one you’ve given me…the gift of friendship and comfort..a feeling like you’re never alone, that no matter what the circumstance, or how much you’ve changed or how far you strayed from the place you once stood fixed, I would always be there. That nothing could come between the bond we’ve formed like we shook hands holding the liquid that sustains life. Blood brothers.

But later down the line, the future confided in me, and fear blind sighted me and I was in no way able to foresee that the love I had for the man who held my heart in his hand was changing without explanation

It was like he went from being more than just another lover to a friend irreplaceable by any other. Since the day we began to vibe i couldn’t envision lyf without him being a part of it. He had made his way inside and everything he ever did for me he put his whole heart in it…and I know that I’m the one to blame cuz I am the one who started it. Even when the emotions did eventually begin to spin beyond my control and grow further than I would ever know, I knew something was different, maybe even wrong.. and although permanently placed in a safe inside my heart, I know the unannounced alteration of his placement hurt him, and I hate me for that.

For not being able to define my emotions clearly, and for allowing myself to end up existing as a part of his life, painfully. And even now my selfish ways are doing more than putting me on childish displays, they’re re-confusing me. Day to day my emotions are abusing me by bashing my brain with thoughts of what if…what if I’m lying to myself thinking we can just be friends.

But then, what if that’s all we were ever supposed to be..

I’ve never denied the fact that he touches my heart but maybe the reason he’s always had a stare so cold is so that it froze my soul to preserve the peace he’s given me when the stress of the world had me feeling feverishly.

That maybe his purpose was to protect everything in me so that I could always find my way back to who I am sposed to be….

Because he’s always loved me solely for me.

So if by chance I see this man next lifetime, upon our introductions, I’ll present this piece to him with the preceding, my apology.

book cover

i'm not perfect...probably more of a fuck up than you could ever imagine a cute girl would be cable of being...but u should listen when they tell you looks are deceiving...i've done thing's to people i love that i wish i'd never done...said things that they never deserved to hear especially out of the mouth of someone who claims to be willing to give them the world...but fact remains it's happened. if i could go back in time it'd be to remove my pride and temporary reaction to the emotion from the equation...

truth be told, i'm in love....and more often than not i don't act like it..i know what i feel and i know what my head and heart know but it doesn't always accurately translate into actions that the blind eye would perceive to be real love. We had a conversation with my mother about the subject, "love" (never have i talked to my mother about such a thing so it was kinda awkward). But she believes that it's not sposed to hurt, and she's telling me this from her experience, which i totally understand...but from mine, if it wasn't love it wouldn't hurt. i didn't always feel this way nor believe this but hear me out. who hurts you the most? the people you care about. if you didn't care then whatever they did or said wouldn't hurt, or at least not as much right? the thing about it is, even tho you may not believe it, when i hurt "him"...i hurt too....not that it matters because his feelings are the matter at hand, but if i didn't love him then why would i care that i hurt him? we all know i have a very active batch of idgaf that is never afraid to rear its ugly head...but thats never the case with him... i can only say that i am blessed that he is humble, loving, kind, and forgiving amongst MANY other things.....him and his entire persona have changed me in so many ways for the better that even my mama noticed it...she just didn't know where the changes came from but after i told her she definitely agreed he was good for me to have around.

Now although i don't know what the future holds, i can say that i do know that i need to work on ME alot more. Even if you KNOW what you've got before its gone, you can still lose it, if you don't take proper care of it... and the fact that he still loves me at my worst, is enough to make me want to give him my best...i'm working on it.

Our present, Their Future

…We lose ourselves when the screams of our future go unheard as they’re drowned out by our 11, 7 and 4 year old daughters booty poppin to the baseline of a song they can’t even explain…but know all the words to. And as the past passes our progress we are now forced to face more than a recession..worse than that we face regression. All previous progress lost, and at what cost? Worth more than any silver or gold what we seek has been not lost, but stole. Stolen like a slogan copywriten but used without permission like when that unregistered sex offender moved into your neighborhood and tried to play “caveman” in his basement with your son. The Amerikkkan dream deferred…deterred from us cuz we coluh’d. The melanin in my skin has abolished my distant kin and excluded them from enjoying the same benefits as those colorless misfits. And who are they to say that our children will never make it!??!? Truth be told they are the bold. They are the masses that know that we don’t sit in classes. That our young will forever remain ignorant because tuition money was spent on tattoo’s across faces and $300 wigs made of laces to front for the so called ballers who’d rather every day be hustlin than to flex mental muscle. Now more than ever it’s more important to be cool than to go to school because if you’re popular than you have succeeded at….what? what have you accomplished with popularity that you will proudly pass down to your children? The future is lost because the cost of redemption is too great. The rejection of current fads would be considered hate. The price of the stolen souls of our children has been slashed to half off….only 50% of the effort to corrupt our youth is needed cuz they’re “wize beyawnd thay’re years” and any words of wisdom fall silently on deaf ears….

Liability

If vulnerability was a crime I’d be doin 20 to life, if the judge was nice….

cuz at the current moment I’ve O.D’d with no resistance..
matter of fact, I think I’ve been addicted since time tamed existence…
And tho I’ve tried to kick it, the habit has been beyond persistent…
It’s like every time I turn around I’m right back with it…
Regardless of how many times I keep tryina quit it…
Broke in and stole my soul like a ruthless convict…
Black market my heart like a real cold bitch…
And yeah, history seems to repeat repeat…
And I’m doin my best not to accept defeat defeat
But time after time I get in too deep
And in the quicksand of defenselessness I can’t feel my feet
So I track n trap the swap till its time to meet
Face to face with my indiscretions while low self esteem’s at its peak….
And Now……(long dramatic pause)……. I’m weak
I search inside for the strength to conquer it,
But like a cancerous disease the cells of “them” have split.
Decided and divided to conquer so I can’t pinpoint the culprit…
My defenses have be compromised by this foreign antibody
That I’ve opened myself up to not knowin they’d be outtie…
I take chance after chance just to revisit my lust,
And I put myself out there, tho it always ends in disgust…
Forever is a long time to try to remain focused
Till I can discover the cause of my chronic mistrust…

Reason Season Lifetime Lesson

To teach me was your reason;
patience was learned, you served your season
I’m learning my lesson for a lifetime,
In my time;
Wish I could buy time cuz it seems like there’s never enough.
Forever wasn’t your place
It wasn’t meant for your face
To be eternally embedded in the crevices of my heart;
Left footprints on my soul,
But they’ll fade away as the waves wade upon the distant shores where u left them.
I no longer stand watching to protect them
Ready to let the past leave me in the present,
Let it live where I left it;
If it’s gone, its time to accept it
And not regret it.
Lookin to the future cuz that’s where hope lives.
And I’m tryina move in but it’s blocked by a door that won’t give
My dreams keep growin on me.
Seems like I’m bein left behind in reality,
I can’t keep up so they die, too painful to see,
I been lookin but I can’t find the time to save ‘em.
I been lookin for the pause button too but that was dumb,
Cuz, time waits for no one, everything happens for a reason,
You served your season,
I’m learning my lesson for a lifetime,
in my time;
Wish I could buy time cuz it seems like there’s never enough….