im in love with a man who would rather be without me.....it could all be so simple...but he'd rather make it hard, loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars tell me who i have to be, to get some reciprocity..see NO ONE LOVES U MORE THAN ME, AND NO ONE EVER WILL....he doesn't think we should be together but wont say it..just says i'd be better without him. but i, i can't see me without him. he brings out the best in me..but he doesn't think we should be together...u said u'd care for me....be there for me, u cry for me...said u'd die for me, give to me.....why won't u live for me??

emotional shift

I feel like I’m losing him..but no one is to blame but myself. Childish actions mix with foolish choices like the hen n ginger I sip to attempt to erase the memories of the pain I’ve caused…

I am nothing…

While nothing more than less than perfect, a mangled mess of unwarranted bull shit and confusion and indecisiveness wrapped in a cute casing and somehow I claim to present to u, with love.

My intentions were good…but the results were not.

I desired nothing more than to give u reciprocity. To present u the perfect gift, the same one you’ve given me…the gift of friendship and comfort..a feeling like you’re never alone, that no matter what the circumstance, or how much you’ve changed or how far you strayed from the place you once stood fixed, I would always be there. That nothing could come between the bond we’ve formed like we shook hands holding the liquid that sustains life. Blood brothers.

But later down the line, the future confided in me, and fear blind sighted me and I was in no way able to foresee that the love I had for the man who held my heart in his hand was changing without explanation

It was like he went from being more than just another lover to a friend irreplaceable by any other. Since the day we began to vibe i couldn’t envision lyf without him being a part of it. He had made his way inside and everything he ever did for me he put his whole heart in it…and I know that I’m the one to blame cuz I am the one who started it. Even when the emotions did eventually begin to spin beyond my control and grow further than I would ever know, I knew something was different, maybe even wrong.. and although permanently placed in a safe inside my heart, I know the unannounced alteration of his placement hurt him, and I hate me for that.

For not being able to define my emotions clearly, and for allowing myself to end up existing as a part of his life, painfully. And even now my selfish ways are doing more than putting me on childish displays, they’re re-confusing me. Day to day my emotions are abusing me by bashing my brain with thoughts of what if…what if I’m lying to myself thinking we can just be friends.

But then, what if that’s all we were ever supposed to be..

I’ve never denied the fact that he touches my heart but maybe the reason he’s always had a stare so cold is so that it froze my soul to preserve the peace he’s given me when the stress of the world had me feeling feverishly.

That maybe his purpose was to protect everything in me so that I could always find my way back to who I am sposed to be….

Because he’s always loved me solely for me.

So if by chance I see this man next lifetime, upon our introductions, I’ll present this piece to him with the preceding, my apology.

book cover

i'm not perfect...probably more of a fuck up than you could ever imagine a cute girl would be cable of being...but u should listen when they tell you looks are deceiving...i've done thing's to people i love that i wish i'd never done...said things that they never deserved to hear especially out of the mouth of someone who claims to be willing to give them the world...but fact remains it's happened. if i could go back in time it'd be to remove my pride and temporary reaction to the emotion from the equation...

truth be told, i'm in love....and more often than not i don't act like it..i know what i feel and i know what my head and heart know but it doesn't always accurately translate into actions that the blind eye would perceive to be real love. We had a conversation with my mother about the subject, "love" (never have i talked to my mother about such a thing so it was kinda awkward). But she believes that it's not sposed to hurt, and she's telling me this from her experience, which i totally understand...but from mine, if it wasn't love it wouldn't hurt. i didn't always feel this way nor believe this but hear me out. who hurts you the most? the people you care about. if you didn't care then whatever they did or said wouldn't hurt, or at least not as much right? the thing about it is, even tho you may not believe it, when i hurt "him"...i hurt too....not that it matters because his feelings are the matter at hand, but if i didn't love him then why would i care that i hurt him? we all know i have a very active batch of idgaf that is never afraid to rear its ugly head...but thats never the case with him... i can only say that i am blessed that he is humble, loving, kind, and forgiving amongst MANY other things.....him and his entire persona have changed me in so many ways for the better that even my mama noticed it...she just didn't know where the changes came from but after i told her she definitely agreed he was good for me to have around.

Now although i don't know what the future holds, i can say that i do know that i need to work on ME alot more. Even if you KNOW what you've got before its gone, you can still lose it, if you don't take proper care of it... and the fact that he still loves me at my worst, is enough to make me want to give him my best...i'm working on it.