My First Love: Before I knew how….

Looking back, the years start to run together, not because I have a “bad memory” but, because the pain that tormented me caused lapses in my recollection. It melted the definitive memories until they were molded into one giant blob of blah. No single occurrence could be distinguished, except for the event that depicted my demise; and his likewise.

I knew immediately when my mistake was made that I had hurt him, and I would never again be able to say that I live a life of no regrets…cuz the heart never forgets. And true to my word here I am 6 years later, heart still ain’t fully healed yet….

We spent over twenty one thousand hours together, faired stormy weather but the sun shining always outlasted the rain, at least in my eyes. It wasn’t until I grew to realize that I was the problem that I began to act in desperation. But by then it was too late. He had already proclaimed to the world via facebook and myspace that he was no longer in a relationship with me. And even thru our repeated break up to make ups he never felt the need for a status update, so I knew this time was different…

In the instant he clicked the box marked single I died a little. Felt like I was just a head and legs with no middle. I just knew my heart had been torn from my body because breathing was shallow, difficult, minimal, damn near impossible. The only thing I could be certain was workin were my tear ducts. I cried and cried thru blood shot eyes non stop for 6 days straight. 144 hours of sleepless non-comfortable agony and misery. 8,640 minutes of unbearable pain. 518,400 seconds of wishing I had never been born. I was a zombie but bawling my eyes out. Wouldn’t sleep cuz I’d dream of him holding me. Couldn’t eat cuz my stomach was a giant knot incapable of digestion. My whole entity was so consumed with pain that I believed the only way I would receive relief was to leave. So I began to devise the blueprints to steal my own life...but my God wouldn’t let me. He immediately destroyed any traces of a trail the prints may have left behind in my mind….

Then my perspective shifted and I began to think that if I just wait. That maybe he’ll realize that the love we have is unparalleled to any other. And I was right. Not because I had given him the greatest love of all, but because I was loving him all wrong. I, myself was at a point in my life when I didn’t even love myself so how could I be capable of loving anyone other than myself?

I gave him a superficial love. On the outside it was beautiful. We were good together. Public loved us. But behind closed doors my insecurities caused chaos, my self hatred was projected toward him. If I was angry with the world I took it out solely on him and he didn’t deserve it. I eventually prayed that he never would find a love like mine cuz I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t nurture what we had so I didn’t deserve it. And even though now that I’ve grown up and I know I’m worth it, I’ve moved on...

I’m looking for love beyond the telescopic view I have of the past with security of it being a love that’s more than sure to last. And since I began loving myself like I’m supposed to I know I’m ready. Now, I am the epitome of a good woman. Head on straight, feet steady. Between us, a friendship eventually formed for the betterment of my being. He helped me to become a better person and even though I long to feel the love we once had, I don’t hurt anymore. I find joy in knowing he’s happy with her. He even praised my progress; proclaimed to me that I’ve changed. Switched lanes from living the life of a bitter bitch to a better person. And it was at that moment my heart broke…because I knew that the love I wanted back wasn’t the one I was meant to have. It wasn’t for me. But if I hadn’t gone thru the necessary pain I never would have changed. I never would have blossomed as an individual. And I never would have grown to know and love the me I have come to be.

Everyone’s journey is different but we all bare burdens the same. The result: I’m a true believer of: everything that u go thru u have to, to become you…..