Untitled Until The End...

I feel like I’m losing him..but no one is to blame but myself. Childish actions mix with foolish choices like the hen I sip to attempt to erase the memories of the pain I’ve caused…
I am nothing…
While nothing more than less than perfect, a mangled mess of unwarranted bull shit and confusion and indecisiveness wrapped in a cute casing and somehow presented to u, with love.
My intentions were good…but the results were not.
I desired nothing more than to give u reciprocity.
To present u the perfect gift, the same one you’ve given me…the gift of friendship and comfort..a feeling like you’re never alone, that no matter what the circumstance, or how much you’ve changed or how far you strayed from the place you once stood fixed, I would always be there. That nothing could come between the bond we’ve formed like we shook hands holding the liquid that sustains life. Blood brothers.
But later down the line, the future confided in me, and fear blind sighted me and I was in no way able to foresee that the love I had for the man who held my heart in his hand was changing without explanation
It was like he went from being more than just another lover to a friend irreplaceable by any other. Although permanently placed in a safe inside my heart, I kno the unannounced alteration of his placement hurt him, and I hate me for it.
For not being able to define my emotions clearly, and for allowing myself to end up being a part of his life, painfully
And even now my selfish ways are doing more than putting me on childish displays, they’re re-confusing me.
Day to day my emotions are abusing me by bashing my brain with thoughts of what if…what if I’m lying to myself thinking we can just be friends.
But then, what if that’s all we were ever supposed to be..
I’ve never denied the fact that he touches my heart but maybe the reason he’s always had a stare so cold is so that it froze my soul to preserve the peace he’s given me when the stress of the world had me feeling feverishly.
That maybe his purpose was to protect everything in me so that I could always find my way back to who I am sposed to be….
Because he’s always loved me for me.
So if by chance I see him next lifetime, upon our introductions, I’ll present this piece to him entitled, My Apology.